I’m changing. I can feel it. Certain years feel awkward, like, 19, 23, 29, and now. One stage is coming to an end, and a new one around the corner, only I’m not sure if it’s going to be be better or worse. I don’t feel light-minded anymore. I don’t feel as optimistic as I used to. I don’t have faith in people like I once did. I know most people are good … or I believe that … it’s just that no one really makes me giddy anymore. I don’t feel like the risk is worth it. I love people too much, and I get attached too easily, and it just hurts too much when it comes to an end, which it always does.
I’ve thought a lot about why it is that I pick the guys that I do, and I think I know. Side thought really quick … I feel sorry for the person who ever tries to figure me out because it takes me months to figure out how I feel about anything … and I am me. Anywho, back to guys. Why do I pick the ones I do. Simple! There’s always one person who likes the other person more, in the beginning. Throughout the relationship, it shifts back and forth, but in the beginning one person always likes the other just a little or maybe a lot more. There are givers and there are takers, there’s no shame in being either. Maybe givers are seen as codependent, and takers are seen as users to the naked eye. It takes one of each to create a balance. I am a giver, in all aspects of life. I would far rather give head than get. I’d rather give a gift than get one, I’d rather cook someone breakfast than have someone serve me breakfast in bed. I would rather like someone more than they like me. I know some girls who love to be doted over. I’m not one of those. I’m a loner and for me to make someone my partner in life, I’d have to be border-line obsessed. The problem is, I find selfish people who break my heart. They are always so authentic though.
Oddly enough, I wouldn’t trade the experiences I’ve had with the guys I’ve met, for a lifetime of cliche with the guys my sister has dated. I mean, I’m glad she liked them. They were nicer. They were givers like me, but never have I found any of them interesting. I don’t want to feel comfortable, I want to be moved. I need someone who has charisma who makes me laugh and has an endless stream of new stories. I want someone who is young at heart and willing to try new things together, without taking life too seriously. I don’t want a boss or another parent. I want a best friend who makes mistakes and keeps me on my toes. I need someone whose fucked up a lot and doesn’t have a criminal record as long as a magazine, who has stories that movies are written about, and still maintains good character.